August 2

Can it really be August 2nd?
31 days since my Dad has enjoyed his life?
A walk on the causeway, a Red Sox game, Foodees Pizza, a coors light or a glass of merlot, a nap? The sunshine, Church, his bible, time spent w/ his wife, his grandkids, his children, his cats?
You see, if my dad had passed I feel like I could celebrate his life.
I would be heartbroken, yes.
But I could think of him and smile knowing he was in heaven, with his father, with God.
Happy and whole again.
Instead I have to think of him (and trust me when I say that not a minute goes by, on any given day, especially the sunny beautiful ones, where I don't think of him) lying in that hospital bed, broken and living in his own private hell.
Wondering just how much he is aware of, what he's feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing.
Wondering if there is something he is trying to tell us.
I am so ANGRY!!
I am so sick of hearing "everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan". I am ashamed to admit that my faith is shaking.
I think his suffering is unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary. Mean.
I wish I could make him better. That there was something more I could do.
I'll just keep putting my face and voice in front of him to let him know I'm there for him.
Please don't take this as me giving up on him, b/c I'm not. I'm just feeling for him.

**Sorry I haven't been updating as regularly, it's just that there isn't much to report. Progress is slow. They were trying to rush him out of the hospital and to a nursing home on Monday but we bought a few days time. They say they aren't doing anything for him that a skilled nursing facility can't do. He's still needing frequent suctioning.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to all of us.