Can it really be August 2nd?
31 days since my Dad has enjoyed his life?
A walk on the causeway, a Red Sox game, Foodees Pizza, a coors light or a glass of merlot, a nap? The sunshine, Church, his bible, time spent w/ his wife, his grandkids, his children, his cats?
You see, if my dad had passed I feel like I could celebrate his life.
I would be heartbroken, yes.
But I could think of him and smile knowing he was in heaven, with his father, with God.
Happy and whole again.
Instead I have to think of him (and trust me when I say that not a minute goes by, on any given day, especially the sunny beautiful ones, where I don't think of him) lying in that hospital bed, broken and living in his own private hell.
Wondering just how much he is aware of, what he's feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing.
Wondering if there is something he is trying to tell us.
I am so ANGRY!!
I am so sick of hearing "everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan". I am ashamed to admit that my faith is shaking.
I think his suffering is unfair, uncalled for, unnecessary. Mean.
I wish I could make him better. That there was something more I could do.
I'll just keep putting my face and voice in front of him to let him know I'm there for him.
Please don't take this as me giving up on him, b/c I'm not. I'm just feeling for him.
**Sorry I haven't been updating as regularly, it's just that there isn't much to report. Progress is slow. They were trying to rush him out of the hospital and to a nursing home on Monday but we bought a few days time. They say they aren't doing anything for him that a skilled nursing facility can't do. He's still needing frequent suctioning.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to all of us.
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Dear Lisa, thank you for taking the time to update your blog. Please know that there are caring folks out here who are listening. Love prevails.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lisa.....I completely agree with you. I cannot find any good reason for your dad to be suffering like this. It is unfair and mean, as you said.
ReplyDeleteI know that you initially intended for this blog to be informational about your dad's progress and to keep your emotions out of it, but I'm glad that you used it to express your anger this time. You have been so strong. You need to feel your sadness and anger. I'm glad you found that you can do this on the blog, too. You are an amazing woman, Lisa. Let me know what I can do for you.....call anytime.
Love, Jan
Lisa ,
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, I understand you are angry ...Mother Teresa said " I know God won't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish HE didnt trust me so much "... but HE does trust us , so you keep trusting Him ...
BIG HUG to you and Sherry and all your family
Love,
Andy
Today my thoughts are with you and yours...I am so sorry for your "pain" ...it is hard to feel so helpless. I know.
ReplyDeleteI echo your sentiments when it comes to "a plan" or "a reason". There is no good reason or plan...this is something that happened tragically and for no good reason. All I can tell you is that you can pray for the strength to endure..that will come. When you feel you don't know what to pray for remember who is reading your heart and knows all. If the words don't come, it doesn't mean He doesn't know!
No one thinks you are giving up...it is sometimes that the medical drs. make us feel we should just tuck them in bed, leave them to the nurses and go home to our normal lives...life doesn't work that way...our hearts and our love is involved. Theirs are not. They care but in a more clinical way. You walk your own truths...and may the peace of God be with you all as you find the path that works for you all. Thank you truly for keeping the blog going...I really believe in my heart one day your father will be reading it with you.
Peace and prayer,
L.R.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I feel like this every day. It has been 5 weeks of Hell for Kraig and our family. I just want him to heal...and come home. I wish it was all that simple. Frustration seems to rule daily. It's hard to remain strong...and hopeful...and pray. I keep seeing the word push everywhere. Even on dad's bed tonight when I looked down. Doors to the elevator...water fountain...and I always smile when I see it, and pray...pray until something happens. Your dad has such strong faith...and I know his favorite phrase was it's all part of God's plan. I've thought about it every day. We have to believe...and never give up..he wouldn't on us. He needs our prayers..and our strenght. Some days it's so hard to keep things in perspective..we're tired...angry..not eating...asking why..every day. Again, Dad always said...it's not ours to question. "He" has brought him this far...through obastacle after obstacle that he shouldn't have made it through. You've got to believe he can make it the rest of the way...and back home to his loved ones. It might be an arduous journey..but I'm up for the task. Will never give up...and hope that everyone keeps sending continued prayers. I so believe in the power of prayer. I love you sweet girl...and I'm sorry. Thanks for updating the blog. I know it's painful. xox Keep the faith.
ReplyDelete******Sending love your way******
ReplyDelete*still praying hard in Indiana
ReplyDeleteI understand the anger, frustration, questioning, and hurt. I think it's all normal. It's because all of this is out of your hands. You can't control or direct it. But, please remember. Through all this, there are all of us, praying for you all. For the strength that this is taking, the toll it is taking on each of you. For healing for Kraig and that the healing will be quick, even though we know that our bodies take oh, so much time to heal after such a traumatic incident. Remember too that even though we don't understand and want all our prayers answered immediately, in the way we want them answered, He is listening. It's so very hard to keep the faith and if you are angry at God, He understands and still holds you close. He knows it's a human reaction. Try to keep Him close. He will help you all through this. Please, take care of yourselves as well. It's necessary for you all to be strong in body as well as in mind and heart. A very difficult task, I know. But, as Kraig starts progressing, he is going to need that strength. God bless you all and so much love and prayers to and for you.
ReplyDeleteJan
Thanks for updating the blog Lisa, I check it often sometimes three or four times daily hoping that you are going to post that miracle post letting us all know that Kraig has come back to us all and will be going home to Sherry and his babies (cats) any day now. I know this is probably not going to happen this way and I'm personally resigned to the fact that when he does come back to us it will be only after a long hard fought journey. Sharon and I haven't visited Kraig as much as we would like. We feel that extra sad and hurting eyes at the hospital cannot be of help anyone a this point. So we pray daily and wish for positive change. Sherry, my sister, my heart screams in pain for you, although we all all are hurting, I know your hurt is the most lonely, personal and unimaginable kind of hurt there can be. But keep the faith Sherry and I truly believe that God will bring your Husband, Soul mate, lover and Best Friend home to you very soon. We love you all, Barry, Sharon & Kayleigh.
ReplyDeleteI understand fully. There's so many hells to deal with here in this mystery of life. Miracles happen. All you must do is keep praying. We are too. Love you all and with you sweet friends.
ReplyDeletexxxooo
I'm so sorry you all are going through this, especially Kraig. It's hard to know what he's thinking or feeling, but you are there and that's what is important. All we can do is continue to send our positive vibes and prayers and thoughts to you and your family. Please take care of yourselves and just keep hoping.
ReplyDeletePeggy V
Sherry,
ReplyDeleteTo you and the whole family...I know how difficult this is. I know your faith and fortitude will get you through these terrible times. Kraig is a wonderful man...God is watching over him. He was ALWAYS so wonderful, taking in everyone that needed help and never wanting or asking anything for himself. He is in our thoughts every day. I am attending a special prayer meeting tomorrow evening at our church here on the island to lift him up in prayer. Stay strong and know love surrounds you!
Kitty
I think of you often, Lisa, and pray for you and your family daily. There is nothing I can say that others haven't already said... and i know just how frustrating it can be hearing the same thing over and over, so much so that it makes you question your faith at times because you just don't understand why someone has to suffer so much. Trust me when I say I know exactly what you are feeling. It isn't fair. I know this. I don't know why these things happen. I've been angry at God so many times... so much so that I've quit talking to him quite a few times! I believe only He knows why... why any of this horrible stuff happens to people. It's okay to be angry. Be what you have to be to be strong... and sometimes you don't even have to be strong. And that's okay too! Sometimes it's hard to keep being strong and you have every right to feel that way. i used to go in the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of my lungs. I know it sounds crazy -- and maybe it is -- but sometimes it helps to release some feelings that need to come out.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, know that i am here for you if you ever need to talk, cry, scream... or just say nothing. You're a great friend and I'm just so sorry that you are having to go through this. I'm just a phone call away :O) xoxo
Lisa I can't understand sometimes why bad things happen to good people..there is nothing more heart breaking than to see the people you love in so much pain..I have never met your family and I feel like all of you are so close to my heart..I pray everyday for your dad and hope God gives you and your sweet mom the strength to keep going..love you girl..sending big hugs!!
ReplyDeleteIm back ...now I can read Sherry's post ..
ReplyDeleteI understand the frustration and the fading of hope , I do .. but Im just here to remind you, that you are not alone , that if you pray we pray with you, that everytime you PUSH , we push with you ...
stay strong and keep praying in positive faith ..
"Be strong and take heart , all you that hope in the LORD " Psalm 1:24
We keep PUSHing Sherry and Lisa, harder and harder and we keep praying and praying and we will be heard .
Love and hugs to you all
Andy
Huge hugs, my friend. You know I totally understand all you're saying. Love you.
ReplyDeleteKathryn
xo
I 100% know the emotion you are going through as i have been through the same with my Husband 4 years ago. I told my story to Sherry on Fickr.
ReplyDeleteI felt angry and mad. Mad at everone but mostly myself.I could not understand why my Husband was being punished, to have his life cut down the way it was. He was and stll is a good man, everything he done was for the benifit of others first.He had never hurt a sole. So it must of been me that was bad, i must of done something so terriable that he was being punished and my punishment was to see the man i loved and married being taken away from me.
Of course i was wrong, nobody was being punished, nobody had control over what had happened to him, nobody was taking him away from me. So thats where i took control of our future. I fought for him, i stood up to the Drs and medical team. He was going to come home no matter what level of care he needed no matter what it took to get him there, he was going to come home. And he did.
I don't know fully of your Dads condition. It sounds to me as if you are a really close and loving family with a strong faith. What ever your faith is it will get you by. I have no religious faith but i do believe in being positive and strong. If your faith is starting to shake hold on firm.
My thoughts are with you across the miles.
Be strong.
Lisa, I write on your mother's stream a few times a day so she knows always I am sending love and positive thoughts your way...I just want to send you some extra on this posting as well ..for ALL your family. Sometimes words fail...the warm feelings do not! Keep positive and thank you for sharing with us all! Thank you!! ♥ L.R.
ReplyDeleteStill here helping you to PUSH , stay strong , sending you all my love
ReplyDeleteand
hugs and more hugs with alot of strenght
Andy
always be here..
ReplyDeleteContinue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving; Colossians 4:2 NKJV
ReplyDeletePaul says we should "devote" ourselves to prayer and be "alert" in prayer. Our persistence is an expression of our faith that God answers our prayers. Faith shouldn't die if the answers come slowly, for the delay may be God's way of working his will in our life. When you feel tired of praying know that God is present always listening-always answering, maybe not in ways you hoped but in ways that he knows are best.
You know I know where you are coming from. Big hugs hun. (((((hugs))))))
ReplyDeleteStill here holding your hands, praying and sending you faith and hope .
ReplyDeleteHugs
Love,
Andy