RCIA Updates

Last week there was a Parish Mission at our Church and I was honored to have Father ask me if I would speak one of the nights, about my journey of faith. I said yes as I felt like I was meant to. It was hard to do b/c I couldn't tell my journey w/out telling my father's journey last summer...but I did it. It was very well received and I know my father was so proud of me, as was my family.

Saturday night, at the Easter Vigil, my sister and I will make our first communion and confirmation. I wish my father was here but I know if he were here, I wouldn't be at this point in my life.

Luke 11: 9-10
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

I found this treasure the other day.

Christmas

I don't need to tell you how hard it was for all of us. We went to the cemetery as a family. After I announced we'd be going, Delaney got out her crayons and paper. I asked her what she was doing and she said "making a Christmas card for Poppy!". A blue eyed, brown haired angel flying in the sky.........

We attended Christmas Eve mass and Delaney was in the pageant as well. As I looked down the pew, at all of my family who was there, that normally wasn't, I cried. I cried b/c we were there. I cried for the man who wasn't, yet, was responsible for us all being there. Then I saw my angel come down the aisle and cried some more hoping and praying that her Poppy could see her.

Save a Place for Me

First Reconciliation

Carter made his first reconciliation (confession) Saturday. We were so proud of him. He even confessed to Father a few things we hadn't talked about. He accepted his certificate and offered Father his hand for a hand shake. Father seemed pretty tickled by that as none of the other kids were doing that. Each child lit a candle, had holy water put on them (in remembrance of their baptism) and finished w/ a blessing from the Deacon. At each station we read a small prayer to Carter. I was surprised to find myself moved to tears more than once. I know partly b/c I was proud of Carter and partly b/c someone was missing---someone who would have been standing right there w/ us and someone who might have been even prouder than I was of Carter. I know he was w/ us---- I know this b/c after everyone had lit their candle, and we all sat down, Carter said "mom, look, one candle is burning brighter than the rest, it's the only one I can see, I think it's mine......." and as we walked up to the alter to check it out........it was, indeed, Carter's candle. He lit the one smack.dab.in.the.middle! He'll make his first communion in May. I can't tell you the positive effect religion has had in Carter's life. The changes are amazing. I can't forget my fathers words to Carter in the Children's Bible he gave him on Easter of last year.......

"May God's words guide you to manhood and help you grow up to be a good man."

Carter and Father

Merry Christmas from Heaven

Today, at Church, a special lady gave an ornament to my mom, for our family. The ornament is pewter and says "I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year." and is accompanied by this poem:


**click on it to make it larger!

How beautiful is that? Thanksgiving was so hard and when my husband stood up before we ate and said "I'd like to propose a toast to Kraig......" we all cried. The Christmas season has been even tougher but we continue to go on. As he would want us too. We continue to find strength and love and hope in Jesus as well.

Wishing you and yours a very blessed holiday season.

xxoo

Tough Day

10 weeks
70 days
1680 hours

since my dad left this earth. two things i've come to know since his passing 1) i'm no longer afraid to die and 2) life does go on. we all miss him so much and some days are harder than others but i hold onto the belief that we will be united with him one day.

my sister and i continue our journey w/ RCIA. i am finding much comfort and peace in Jesus. it's been so good for my family and especially for my children. funny how i never understood my fathers time and devotion to his religion when he was here on this earth.

what's a post w/out a photo? this was last summer. a glass of wine, a sunset and a view of the lake. i think you can see how much he loved those things.

and a song......

.Thank You.

I don't know if anyone comes here anymore but as I lay in bed last night I was thinking of this blog and of all of you who visited, cared, prayed, gave us strength, shared your own tragedies and triumphs and left beautiful heartfelt comments. I miss you all and I wanted to say THANK YOU, for everything. You've no idea how much it's all meant to my family and I through this difficult time.

I will start the RCIA program Monday night, w/ my husband as my sponsor. My sister will be attending as well, w/ my mom as hers. The kids will be taking religion classes at the same time. They started last week. I find it ironic that my father found his faith, after he lost his father and the same thing is happening to me. I feel my father's presence when I'm at the Church. I feel close to him and connected. He would be so proud that we're doing this. I wish I could walk the walk w/ him but I KNOW he knows---I know this b/c before school the other morning, my son asked me if I had a picture of Noah's Ark and I went upstairs and got his Boy's Childhood Bible that my dad gave him on Easter last year---and as I opened it---there was this hand written note, to Carter, from my father, but I couldn't help but think, it was his message, that morning, to me, that he was so thrilled that "those babies were getting religion" (he always would say that to my mom "those babies need religion" but not to me---he didn't preach).




Then out of it, fell this picture---it's my dad holding Carter when he was just days old.





Of course I cried but what a treasure for me to find. I will cherish it always as I have nothing in my father's handwriting.

If you are reading this, it means you're still stopping by, still thinking of us and for that I thank you.

xxoo

Service in My Dad's Hometown

Yesterday we went to my dad's hometown for a memorial service that his mother and sister planned. It was BEAUTIFUL. There was a gathering in the Church Hall afterwards (thank you Kim for all your hard work w/ the food and set-up and clean-up and to everyone else who contributed as well). The Reverend spoke of my Dad as if he'd known him his whole life. We sang "How Great Thou Art" and "On Eagle's Wings" (my Dad loved both of those songs). My Dad's twin sister read a poem, from a book that belonged to her Uncle, that he had left for her.

God's Will for you and Me!

Just to be tender, just to be true,
Just to be glad the whole day through,
Just to be merciful, just to be mild,
Just to be trustful as a child,
Just to be gentle and kind and sweet,
Just to be helpful with willing feet
Just to be cheery when things go wrong,
Just to drive sadness away with song,
Whether the hour is dark or bright,
Just to be loyal to God and right,
Just to believe that God knows best,
Just in his promises ever to rest--
Just to let love be our daily key,
That is God's will for you and me.

~Anonymous

My sister got up and spoke and she did a beautiful job. I wish I had a copy of her words to post here. Perhaps I can get a copy next time I see her. I got up and read "I Wish you Enough"......you might remember it from an earlier post.........it was an e mail I found, that my Dad had sent me a few days before the stroke, that I hadn't read. In lieu of flowers, we asked for donations to go to the youth center, b/c it was so important to my Dad. That said, I wanted to share with you some words from the Deacon at the Church:

Kraig knew all of this. He knew how important scripture was and he read and lived it every day. he reached out to many people of our community of Holy Cross Church. He taught scripture to our children. The parents of an 8th grader told me that when their daughter was in Kraig's group in the 6th grade, his teaching of scripture changed her life. She is only one story of many. Kraig single-handedly ran a middle school youth group in our old youth center. He has laid the foundation for our new youth center, The Underground, that is almost completed. Kraig's legacy will always be there in the Center. (A NOTE: One of the entrance walls to The Underground will be a white wall, like a white board where the kids can write stuff to each other, and erase it later. We will name the wall The White Wall! The wall will include a dragonfly in honor of Kraig!).

If you don't know........my Dad's last name is White. Thus the "White Wall". How cool is that? It makes me so happy to see things happening in his honor and to see that this is part of his legacy! Also, my sister and I will be going through the RCIA program at the Church starting next week. I wish I had walked this walk w/ my father while he was here on Earth but I didn't. I know he will be proud. I intend to stay connected to the the Church, his home away from home, and in doing so......to stay close to him. I hope I can make a difference there someday, the way he did.

.The Service.

My fathers funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service and a beautiful day and a wonderful celebration of my fathers life. It was also one of the hardest days of my life.

A few weeks ago I found, online, this story about a dragonfly. I read it and tucked it away. When my father passed, my mother said "I just wish he could give me a sign that he's okay......why can't he do that?" and I instantly thought of the dragonfly story and said "I know why......" and I read it to her. At that moment, I knew I had to include it on the programs for the Church Service. Here is the story....

**double click on image to view larger

After I decided to use that story I was seeing dragonfly's everywhere I turned. Flying around me at the Church the day we made service arrangements, I drove by "Dragonfly Cafe" where there was a big dragonfly on the side of the building and when I came home I saw Delaney's pink bike helmet in the garage that has dragonfly's all over it. I took it as a sign that my father's soul had made it's journey to Heaven and he was letting us know he was okay. Then at the service when Deacon Hawk did the Homily I was touched to hear him use the story and build upon it. At the cemetery, as we gathered around for final prayers and goodbye, a dragonfly came, flitted around, landed and hung out on the flowers atop my father's casket. That dragonfly stayed the entire time we were out there.

The Eulogy I gave my father, it's short but I was asked to keep it 3-5 minutes long by the Catholic Chruch:

If my father were here today, he'd say "look at this beautiful day God has given us" because that's how he started his day, whether it was 20 below or warm and sunny. Today, is the perfect kind of day to celebrate his life. Thank you all for coming.

I remember when my Grandfather passed away and my father was preparing his eulogy. He was so nervous about getting up in front of everyone and wondered if he'd make it through it without breaking down. Today, I completely understand how he was feeling. Like father like daughter with the fear of public speaking.

The fact that you're here means my father has touched your life in some way and I know I don't need to tell you what a wonderful man he was or how much he loved his wife and best friend of 40 years, his children, his grandchildren and the rest of his family, the Red Sox, Sunny days, a walk on the causeway or a glass of wine with his friends.

I know every little girl thinks their father is the best dad ever---but mine truly was. He was the kind of father who played the guitar and sang silly songs to us, who made homemade fudge on Christmas Eve and the best pizza ever. He told the silliest tall tales. He once got his then 3 year old granddaughter to watch an entire Red Sox game by telling her the catcher was Barney the Dinosaur. Those of you who knew him well knew he had an innate ability to tell a story. He could take a 5 second story and make it last 5 minutes, with his arms going and all kinds of expression in those kind blue eyes of his. We'd all smile and roll our eyes, grandchildren included. This morning, I asked my daughter, Delaney, "what's something silly you remember about Poppy?" and without hesitation she said "remember how Poppy would always pretend he was missing a finger and he would tell me that a turtle bit it off?" I'm going to miss those stories.

We can't forget his sense of humor, which we saw glimpses of, right up until the end, even though he didn't have much to smile about. For example, 2 days before he passed away I sat and did a crossword puzzle with him. I said to him "horse blank, 4 letters". He held up his hand and put up four fingers, one by one and said "crap". So Dad.

The other night my 8 year old son, Carter, came to me and sat on my lap and cried and said "why did God have to take Poppy?" and as I searched for something to tell him, to help his broken heart feel better, I felt a sense of peace as these words came out of my mouth, because I knew, in my heart, it was true.......

"God loves Poppy so much that he took him home to be with him. Poppy tried to get better, to come back to us, to be with us but he was just too sick. He's in a better place now and he's happy and I know he's looking down on us. He'll always be with us in our hearts and minds but we're sure going to miss him being here with us."

My wonderful friend Jan sketched this portrait of my father for me. I will treasure it always. Thank you Jan!

**click on photo to view it larger

The arrangements........

You can read a full obituary in tomorrows Burlington Free Press.

Visiting hours will be on Friday, September 4th from 4-7 p.m. at the Mountain View Funeral Home on Pinecrest Drive in Essex.

A mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated on Saturday, September 5th at 11 a.m. in Holy Cross Church in Colchester. Burial will immediately follow.

In lieu of flowers we would like donations to go to the Youth Center at Holy Cross Church.

Homesick

sent to me by a friend. thank you. it's perfect xo

Finally Home

My Dad passed away at 2:45 this morning surrounded by all of us. We are going to miss him so much but we know he is whole again, no more suffering, no more pain.I'm certain he is out for a nice long walk right now w/ his father---who is showing him around heaven.

We are making arrangements and I will post them later.

Xo

Bad News

My Dad had another bleed this morning. Bigger than the last one.He is back at the hospital and they are keeping him comfortable.There is really nothing they can do. It is just a matter of time.He'll be going "home" soon. Pray for strength for all of us as his journey comes to an end.

It's been so long.......

since I've seen my Dad like this that when Delaney said "mom, look at Poppy" while this flashed across my computer screen it stopped me in my tracks. It's hard for me to remember him any other way than the way he is right now. I am going to print this and put it by his bed side as a reminder to the staff that THIS is my father and as a reminder to my Dad to SMILE. I know he doesn't have much to smile about these days but a little positive energy can go a long way! Funny thing is......I've never seen these photos before. They are from Carter's birthday last summer and were still in RAW format tucked away w/ the other unprocessed shots from the day. I'm not sure why it came up on my slideshow, as it's not in the slideshow folder, but it did........and I needed to see this........I think the whole family did.

I'm not quite sure what he's doing---although I think it's his version of "hang 10" turns "call me", lol. He's a goof.

Day 64

So many signs that the summer is coming to an end. School starts in 3 days. The pools are closing. The days are getting shorter and cooler (I noticed last night it was dark at 8:00). The fair is in town. Tuesday is September 1st. The summer of 2009 is one I will always remember.

Yesterday I took my dad down to the kitchen/waiting room. I told him there was a computer in there and would he like to do anything on it. He said that he'd like me to pull up redsox.com and then I asked him if he'd like me to find some information on Remdog for him (Remdog is an announcer, for the Redsox, who has been away since May w/ lung cancer and depression. My dad LOVES him). He said yes. He hates having to wear that helmet (he will need to wear it anytime he is out of bed, until the bone is back in place and we are not sure when that will be) but I kept reminding him that all great athletes wear a helmet to protect their heads. Ivan---thanks for the Redsox sticker.

My dad continues to make progress. yesterday he was making his chair go by himself w/ his foot and hand. He grabbed the handrail and put his foot on the floor and thought he was getting up. I told him all in due time. Of course he's frustrated and confused at times. Still trying to piece things together and make sense of it all. He's hasn't been sleeping great either. He and I did a crossword puzzle together yesterday (he is a crossword guru) and he amazed me. I said "____ Moines, 3 letters" and he said "DES, D-E-S" and then I said "Air Force One......3 letters" and he said "jet" and "dispensable candy, 3 letters" and he said "Pez, they still make that stuff?" then I said "horse _______" and he thought for a minute and said "crap". Haha. That sense of humor shines through.

I know many of you have expressed your wishes to come visit him but we think he needs more time. We don't feel like he's emotionally ready to have visitors other than family right now. We'll let you know when he feels up to it. In the meantime, your continued prayers mean the world to us and him.

xo

Just Smiling...........

The last few days have been so good for my Dad, and in turn, for all of us as well. He has really found his voice and has been talking a lot and making perfect sense. He even told my mom "yes go away" when she asked him if he wanted privacy. She didn't take offense and we were both so glad to hear him express his wishes. He told the PT that what she was doing hurt his back (he has a terrible back and we just knew it was bothering him) and when one of them spoke very loudly to him and repeated herself twice he said "I heard you" (lol). My mom told him this morning "Lisa doesn't think you remember her" and when I came in later that afternoon he looked right at me and said "I know who you are, I remember you!". It had obviously been on his mind all day. I cannot tell you what those words meant to me. He's really become aware of himself and his surroundings and is very concerned w/ who is doing what to him. It's truly amazing the changes taking place every day.

Keep those prayers coming---they are being answered. As always, THANK YOU!

P.S. I asked him "Dad, how old are you in this picture?" (the picture on the header of this blog) and he answered right away "8" and my heart kind of sank. I said "Dad, you are 62 here......" and he said "6 and 2 are 8". I just now remembered that the night of his birthday he looked at his cake and said---"I'm 8?" and I said "sorry Dad, I didn't have a 2."

Sorry I haven't updated!

Gearing up for back.to.school (1st and 3rd grade this year) and trying to enjoy these last few days with the kids, although I have to be honest, I'm looking forward to the break and getting back to my Photography business.

Physically my dad's getting stronger daily. He's been outside a few times and my mom said he really enjoyed that. He's been spending time in a chair, sitting on the edge of his bed and holding his torso up unassisted for a bit. I haven't been to any of his sessions yet but my mom says he has improved so much from when I last saw him try to do this in the hospital. He really seems to like the girls who are doing OT and PT with him and even gave one of them a smile when she asked for one.

Mentally he has his moments of clarity and then other moments not.so.much. For instance, yesterday, after a day of not speaking much and mostly ignoring everyone, he said to my mom "I'd like to get back in bed please" and at that time his mom and sister came in and my mom asked him if he knew who they were and he said "Geri" (his mom) and "Kathy" (his twin sister) and then he looked at my mom and said "Sherry". Then his mom said "you have a brother in Texas" and he said "Kevin". Then he looked right at his mom and asked "what happened?". He seemed to remember up to the point of going down for his stent surgery but nothing after that. They assure us this is pretty normal for what he's been through and it's going to take some time. That said, I wish his mom and sister lived closer b/c he really does seem to have great moments of clarity when they are present. It makes you wonder where his memory is, at this point in time.

I won't pretend that it's easy when your father doesn't seem to know who the heck you are---but you quickly remind yourself that it's not important right now, it's not about you and you imagine what he's feeling---but how can it not break your heart? It's all heartbreaking. I'm having moments of clarity myself these last few days and I'm realizing that NOW comes the hard part---for all of us---especially my dad. I'm willing to bet that what he's been through, can't compare, to what lies ahead. We need to stay strong, keep the faith, be supportive, PUSH and never quit.

I hope to make it in tomorrow or Wednesday morning to meet the girls from OT and PT and see how my dad's progress is going. More then.

As always, thanks for your thoughts and prayers!!

xo

My dad loves this song-- he sang it to his granddaughter Jillian when she born and through the years while he rocked her. Once he sang it to her new baby brother and she got so jealous. That didn't happen again.

All settled in!

When Rick and I walked into my Dad's new residence for the upcoming months, he looked right at us and said "hi". There were many things my Dad did today that tells me, w/out a doubt, that he is the same old Kraig and that he understands everything. I think he finds it comfortable there. He's got a nice sunny room all to himself, a fan and NESN comes in on the t.v. -- what more can a guy ask for?

In all seriousness though--we think it seems like a fabulous place. His nurse had a talk w/ all of us, my Dad included, and said his nurses will wear regular clothes b/c it is important for him to see that he is not sick anymore, this is not a hospital. She said therapy is going to be long and grueling---it goes 8-4 Monday thru Friday (obviously there are rest periods in there) with weekends off. They encourage family members to be present during therapy. At the end of her speech she said to my Dad "are you ready to get busy?" he answered her by smacking his hand on his pillow as if to say "damn right I'm ready". Tomorrow a.m. bright and early he will put on his t shirt, shorts and sneakers (w/ help, of course, for now) and get busy getting busy!

REHAB!!!

So last night I was visiting my Dad. He was out of it still and had a rough day. Around 9:00 p.m. he seemed to be sleeping comfortably, finally. The nurse came in and said they would be moving him to rehab tomorrow (today) so I looked around his room and began to gather some things that I needed to take home, such as the Hello Kitty CD player Delaney so graciously lent him ("Mommy, you don't need to buy a CD player for Poppy---I'm not using my Hello Kitty one--- he can borrow it" God love her) and as I looked around and said goodbye to one of my favorite nurses I was hit with this wave of emotion. I can't really put my finger on what it was. A mixture of things, I suppose.

Relief, that he was finally well enough to move on?

Fear, that he'd be leaving the safety of the hospital?

Sadness, that I wouldn't see those few nurses who were "angels" on the inside anymore?

Empathy, for my dad, for all he'd endured and all the hard work that lay ahead of him?

Thankful, to God and all of YOU who have been praying for him and supporting us.

7 weeks
53 days
1272 hours
No matter how you count it
It's time that none of us can ever get back.

BUT, he is finally going to get busy living again. I have tears flowing as I type this.....I have always been so proud of my Dad but I can't even begin to tell you the new found respect, love and pride that I have inside my heart and head for this man. He is truly a gem. His faith, his will, his prayers (& ours) and skilled Doctors and nurses have gotten him this far and his faith, strength, determination, fabulous therapists and his family will help bring him the rest of the way.

So happy to finally turn the page and start a new Chapter. This chapter I like and can't wait to see the wonderful things to come! As I type this, Dad is probably getting ready to be transferred into that ambulance that will take him to a place that will slowly bring him back to his life and all of us.

xo

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Seizure!

I just happened to be across the street from the hospital this morning at the Dentist office for a cleaning--when the hospital called my cell to tell me that my Dad had had a seizure. They put the metal trach in this a.m. as he was on his way to rehab this afternoon and that was necessary. Obviously this is a set back and rehab has been delayed. He is on an anti seizure medication (Delantin) and sedated (w/ adavan). Preliminary EEG results look okay--we are waiting for someone to read the results. They did a chest x ray and will do a CT in a bit. They say it is not uncommon for stroke patients to have seizures. He was on Delantin before but they took him off of it. Praying this is just a small set back!

**UPDATE--as of 5:00 things look good. The EEG showed no further seizure activity, the CT showed no changes and the chest x ray was good as well. He's out of it still but very active.

***8/19/09 Update- I just called up the hospital (w/ a pit in my stomach, I haven't done that since his ICU days and it all comes flooding back to you) and he had a good, restful night. No more seizures and he's a little more awake this morning. I won't get a chance to see him until tonight so I will update then.